Twilight

I didn't really want to take this long to post again, but I had to go to work for a few days and spent the weekend feeling somewhat ill.

I think I have a reason for being ill over the weekend too. You see on Friday night me and my other half went to  the Moonlight Cinema and saw 'Twilight'.

Just to be clear we didn't actually buy tickets to it, we just got them. We actually bought the tickets to take the dogs to see 'Hotel for Dogs', but that got rained out so we got stuck seeing 'Twilight'.

Now I knew a little bit about this movie going in and i emphasise 'little bit'. I'll summarise for you:-

• It has Vampires
• It's for 14 year old girls
• It is based on some low quality fiction (which is also for 14 year old girls)

It starts, predictably enough, with a frankly HORRIFIC monologue by the female lead who's name escapes (yes I was that into it).

But the travesty doesn't start to a little bit later, when our Vampire hero walks in... to a cafeteria... at a school.

There are two huge problems with this scenario. Firstly it's daylight and our friendly vamp  doesn't explode into flames and worse, he sits down to have lunch and lunch doesn't involve eating any of the students.

Now I like to think that after the last few hundred years we have pretty much locked in what is and what isn't a Vampire. There are some hard and fast rules. Like eats people, cant go out in the daylight with out exploding into flames, generally brooding, angry and hard to get along with That sort of thing.

Not sweet, sensitive, understanding and loving dammit.

Turning a ravening, evil embodiment of darkness, terror and violence into a whimpering, uncertain, pathetic emo teenager isn't the only thing this movie does badly.

The story is crap, it flits about, fails to engage and is generally disjointed. This isn't helped by the poor efforts by pretty much all the actors. Sure, half the cast is (allegedly) dead, but that doesn't mean you have to act like acorpse.

The story also hits one of those 'pointless' moments about half way through that renders the entire rest of the movie, well pointless.

I don't mind ruining the story for you (since I actually can't, it is that crap crap) so about half way through some 'bad' vampires (read: pnes that know what food is) stumble across our mortal heroine while she is playing basball with her Vamp boyfriends Vamp family (of all things).

Anyway the 'bad' Vamp wants to eat her and the good Vamps decide they must hide her to save her (or some such rubbish).

This is where it gets stupid. The Emo vamp boy allegedly loves the Emo non-vamp girl. He wants to save her. SO WHY DOESN'T HE JUST FUCKING WELL BITE HER AND TURN HER INTO A DAMN VAMPIRE ALREADY!!!

Surely there is only two ways a relationships with a girlfriend eating creature of evil can end. Becoming a Vamp or becoming Vamp food. As a rule you want your date to take you out to dinner, not for dinner so I  can only assume that our heroine is in this relationship to get Vamped and dance the immortal samba.

Oh and the special effects, the action, the dialoge, the supporting characters and the ending are all either horrible cliches, just plain horrible, or both.

If you are a 14 year old girl with no background in Vampire law, you might like all of the above. If you aren't you should steer clear.

Cheers

AgentVee